....

I don't know for others, but standing alone though there's someone else beside's you, whom you called 'soul mate', is very hard.

Sometimes, I felt like I'm so useless in his eyes. Trying to do everything he asked for, still, doesn't satisfied his needs. How can I just please everyone surrounds me?

..31 Days..

The only thing I can do is counting the days. Hours. Minutes. Can't wait for the vacation to KL, Solo & Jogjakarta! Can't wait to meet Gil. :)

Gil..

Gil..

Gil...

..Weekend..

Its the last day of the week..definitely its Sunday. I'm not really happy during this 2 days I'm off, but just trying to laid back. Anyway, today is my baking day. :D Trying my doll's Red Velvet Cupcake recipe. Thanks to doll Carol :) Its my first time baking it and it works! I just love the cream cheese topping! Bliss!

Anyway, Saturday was bit bored. Went out to shop for groceries and a bread toaster? LOL! Its all because of ze King neway. At 545pm went for an evening mass. I was so excited to go, I really do. So, arrived at church, sat outside, as usual. Up front, I saw someone familiar. :D Its d Bubble Guy.. :D He was alone I thought at first cause he sat alone. LOL! Anyway, mass went well as usual. But when it comes to the receiving the Holy Communion, hmm.. I felt so left out. Everyone queued, while I just sat outside. Can feel my tears bout to burst, but still controllable :D

So, after the Holy Communion, I was seeking for this Bubble Guy, & he was not at his place. So, I told my sis 'He went back?'..and my sis was like 'He's just behind you..very close' .. Uhuhuhu.. Like minutes later, suddenly, someone touch my shoulder & said 'Hey Ms Bubble!' .. OMG? And yeah, we did chit chat a lil while. Auww.. He's sweet :)

Ok ok..so after church I sent my sis to tuition and I straight away head home. Had late dinner at around 10pm. Nothing much to do, so we all head home. Watched tv and I was kinda bored, so I online through my BB. I saw Bubble Guy online :) Had a chit chat and he asked where did I go after church. And he asked for my number..auww...

So this morning I woke up at 11am. Who cares whoever wake up early. C'mon, its my day, okay?? Went out for lunch and straight back home. I straight away baked the cupcakes & lasagne for dinner :D That's bout my weekend. Bored and nothing seems to be interesting. Sigh.. What happen, HuneyMadu?

..Ze King & Ze Indie..

The King will be back tomorrow and as usual, last minute thing called 'Spring Cleaning' need to be done. Orelse, I'll be in deep shit! I don't know am I looking forward for his arrival or am I just being mean? Hurmm.. How to get all that feelings back to myself? Where's the love? Care? Attention? Sigh.. I'm so mean. The Father's face & questions still lingering in my mind.

And so last night I had conversations with my long lost best friend since I was in Kindergarten. Gil as in short. Just because of his text saying 'I'm going to be the 3rd party soon' makes us having a 2 1/2 hours talk on the phone. LOL!

He's such a good friend of mine. We talk about the past, which was 21 years ago and he remembers everything so well. While I was still trying to captured the long lost moment. But yeah, I pictured it as Cute. Haha.. I don't know how honest he is towards me, but I felt bad cause I lied about my status, of being someone's wife, legally. I didn't mean to, but I have to for the time being. :( Even though I know there's no such thing as mentioned. Hmm.. Cruel me.

I hope one day I'll face him & tell him everything. Cause I know, someday soon, he needs to know. He's my shoulder for now, besides my mom. Poor mom, she shouldn't hear anything negative from me. And, I'm sorry Gil, I lied. :(

..Blue Wednesday..

'Monday Blues' doesn't exist only on Monday. But it happens to be on EVERY SINGLE DAY.

I've gone through a different kinda experience in life last night. What happen was, I was told by Pam that there's a confession session, which is the last day for yesterday. I was thinking, should I or should I not go. Since I think that I had TOO MUCH sins in life, so I should be going. That was around 1730hrs. At 18hrs, my mobile rang. It was a call from my boss. 'You gotto stay hold back tonight to do some stuff as we need it to be done by end of tomorrow(which is today!)". I was like, 'Okay, but after church & pick up my sis from tuition'.

Since I thought there's too much to do, I texted Pam and inform her I won't be going for the confession. Yet, my heart is eager to go. Minutes passed and I texted Pam, I've changed my mind, and I wanted to go. And so after sending my sis to tuition, we went to church. As usual, a lot of people were waiting for their turns. Well, obviously to do sins are easy and yet to confess is such a burden on the shoulder. I was so nervous at the first place. VERY. I compiled all my sins through out the pass 2 years since my last. Roughly, at 2120hrs, its my turn.

Sign of the cross, revealing all my sins, which I think I only mentioned 4 of it, it stops there. Silent. Father was asking 'Your marriage is not blessed by the church YET?'. I nodded. 'Not blessed?' again he asked. I nodded with a 'Yes, Father'. Without prior notice, Father told me 'You are not supposed to do this confession nor taking the Holy Communion'. I paused, and I asked, 'Oh ya? Really?'. And now his turn to nod his head and say 'Yes'. 'Your marriage is not blessed, so you can't come here for confession'. Guess how I felt that time? All the clouds, skies, stars, moon up there fell on my shoulder! I was so suprised!

And so the Father said, 'I will give you my blessing'. After the sign of the cross, which signals that its the end of the session, I was thinking, 'Where's my penance?'. 'Oh ya, I was not accepted for this time'. Walking out from the church without any prayer an just a 'Thank You, Lord' was so awkward! It seems like I am the top most horrible sinner in there.

2012 is our 7th years of marriage. And it was not blessed. Was wondering why I still not giving birth to my own child. Now I see why.

What is the meaning of all this?